If we were having coffee this weekend, I would tell you in great detail about the recurring thoughts that have been haunting me lately. They have to do with the concept of time, which in turn leads me down a path of our own human mortality. I’m not sure why I started thinking about it all, but it’s been on my mind since I started going back to school or maybe even before then. Let me tell you about it more.
You see, I’m 32-years-old now and only just started going back to school. “It’s never too late,” people have always told me. “You can always better yourself.” Keep learning and doing the things you love. Ever since we’re children, we have been taught that we can do and be anything that we want. Which is fantastic! It’s an honor and a privilege and, quite frankly, really exciting to live in an era where we, as a society, can pursue whatever passion fuels us. For me, that passion has always been for writing or creating. I’m going after a degree in software development because it not only involves writing code, but also it’ll unlock my ability to work in practically any sector or industry. Learning a skill that could allow me to assist virtually anywhere in the world is very freeing.
The concept of time scares me now. Though I learned a lot and had a great time growing up and gaining work experience through my twenties, I feel like I’ve wasted much of that time that I could have been learning something else. Since going back to school and seeing all the different educational paths to success that I could take, I’ve become somewhat aware of just how much of life I will never experience.
I know now that I’m never going to be a doctor, a lawyer, a police officer, a construction worker, a chemist, an astronaut, a firefighter, a race car driver, an actor or a rock star. Now that I’ve chosen a profession that I’m most interested in, it feels a lot like the rest of the world’s doors are closing to me. There’s a number of successes and failures alike that I will never come close to experiencing. And while that may not be much of a loss to most people, it is to me. A big part of me wants to do it all. I want to be one of those people that has a billion degrees and certificates and even doctorates lining my walls. I wish I had the time, energy, and even natural talent and intelligence to do and just be everything.
The concept of time scares me even further when we get into the details of mortality. A lot of friends and family have been lost over the years and who knows when my time will come? One of the biggest things people on their death beds ask for is more time. How do I know if I’m making the most of mine? How do we know if we should really even bother with things like school and jobs if, in the end, we might just wind up passing on before we get to fully put those things to good use?
I wish that I had a time machine or a fountain of youth so that I could see and do and experience everything as fully as I want. I don’t know if I want to truly be immortal, because Paula Cole makes it sound pretty awful over the titles of Dawson’s Creek. But I wish that I could have just a little bit of God’s infinite power to determine exactly when and where I’m ready to depart.
But then again, He’s supposed to have a very wise and effective plan for all of us, right? Maybe I should just trust that whatever happens is part of the plan and is happening for a reason. But it’s hard to do that when I want so much to be a part of everything…
Until next time, friends!