There are a lot of different things that I could write here on the internet about the last 24 hours in my life. All day long while at work and even while taking a test in my math class tonight, my mind has been idly wondering how to tackle the subject of what was undoubtedly one of the shittiest evenings of my entire life. I could try to be rational and write about what I think happened from my perspective. I could just outright tell the story of what happened and let the readers decide and maybe angle for a little validation. And I should definitely call out the guilty parties because that’s what people use the internet for these days, right? Fortunately for them, my mama taught me better than that. Instead, I’m just going to write from my heart right now.
Right now, after some intense fighting, I’m feeling sad. Not because of who was involved or what was said to me, but rather because the fight happened at all. I’m embarrassed that I let myself get that angry and destructive. And even though it happened mostly in self-defense, there were moments of behavior that I exhibited that was just outright unhealthy for me and the people around me. I feel sad that my dad and my poor cats (who rightfully decided to hide out for the duration!) had to witness it and even get a little caught in the crossfire, too. They didn’t deserve to be around that kind of craziness and I’ve made a promise to myself that it’ll be the last time that any of them ever see me get that blind with rage. Part of me is even a little bit sad for the other parties involved. I know they were wrong and I feel like they know it, too. Normal people do not get that worked up and blatantly hateful and evil for no reason. Normal people don’t just wig out over lies. As snotty and disrespectful as it may have seemed, there was truth in what I said and there’s not a soul who can deny it. By the way, now that we’re being truthful, I think that’s exactly what their removing me from Facebook and suddenly giving me the cold shoulder is all about. They’ve never liked me unless they wanted something. At least now we can all be honest with ourselves, right?
The biggest reason why I’m sad is because I’ve always said that walking your own path is a lonely road. I don’t subscribe to the same thinking that some of the other people around me do and maybe that alone has turned them into a kind of “sandpaper people,” as a friend of mine likes to put it. When you raise your voice, when you’re trying to improve yourself, when you shout out loud, when you’re strong and you don’t back down, when you want better than this, when you demand respect for yourself and others, and you keep hold of your convictions, there are always going to be people that hate you. I found that out the hard way last night. Sometimes it’s a little surprising when it turns out to be the people closest to you. Sometimes it’s even your own flesh and blood. But lately I have renewed faith in the belief that family doesn’t necessarily mean blood. Sometimes it’s the people we choose that will still love us unconditionally and always accept us for who we are. And if you don’t, then I guess you’re not family. And that’s okay. I just hope that peace finds its way into your life the way that I suspect it’ll find its way into mine.
Especially now that you’re not in its way.